The Adventures of Captain Carl and Uncle Wayne the Seaman Extraordinaire: Fishing on the S.S. Fun Lovin' Food Cart Vol 1

One sunny, warm, soothing August morning, Carl packed the wife and kids into his food cart to go to the local Bristol Police Department for a job interview. He was not qualified enough to become a cop because of his past criminal record (theft, shop lifting, public nudity, harassment, thinking the giant M in the Mcdonalds near the mall was a vert ramp, dfcui [driving the food cart under the influence] and a hit and run that involved a Mexican on a scooter and a crack head crossing the street). Instead Carl was getting an interview to become the mayor of Bristol, so he thought…

He went into the interview, dressed appropriately of course. He wore one of his finest leisure suits from 1976. He also brought a briefcase that he found with his best friend Uncle Wayne, who we will talk about soon enough. The only thing Carl forgot to do was look in the mysterious briefcase before going on the interview. When Carl went into the interview he looked around and realized that it wasn't an interview. He was set up by the infamous K-Dog, Kev Dog, or Kev Rock (which ever you prefer). Two men jumped on Carl and took the briefcase from him. Carl was so confused, he then started to cry and piss himself, due to all of the Busch Lights he shotgunned before entering. This was the worst day ever for Carl. In the briefcase were15 golden hotdogs, recently stolen from the World Hot Dog Fair. Carl was unaware but he fit the profile of the thief.

After 13 exhausting years, Carl was released from prison and ready for an adventure…who would take the adventure with him you ask? None other than his best friend and seaman Uncle Wayne (aka Waynus, Paynus, Wayne the Pain, Dirty W, William Wallace, Crazy Eyes, Blood Bath and Back Breaker).

Uncle Wayne and Carl were once a famous duo around town. Carl would drive the food cart drinking Busch while wearing a tank top and cut off jean shorts, while Uncle Wayne would sit in the passenger seat, smoke cigarettes and drink rum out of a canteen he won off of the Wizard (crazy bum in Bristol). They would regale each other with the tales from their glory days.

These mostly centered around the time they met the Doobie Brothers back in 1978. Michael McDonald was just a young, grey bearded, heart breaking wonder at this point. Uncle Wayne and Carl fell madly in love with Michael McDonald. Uncle Wayne even grew a beard to match Michael's (which he still has to this day, please see below). They followed Michael all around the country in Carl's brand new food cart, feeding Michael hot dogs and french fries at every tour stop. Eventually Michael fell in love with Carl and Uncle Wayne as well, but the pressures of life on the road and society's unaccepting view of their relationship put an end to the Uncle Wayne - Carl - Michael McDonald tryst. Which brings us to up to today, the date of Carl and Uncle Wayne's infamous fishing trip.

To Be Continued...

Running on Empty

As my family loves to remind me, I don't have an athletic bone or (muscle) in my body! In a few months I will be 50, so my husband and I had a brilliant idea to join a program with a personal trainer and train as a couple. Now remember the only weights I have ever lifted are the 5 lb bags of sugar and flour at Stop and Shop, and then I needed help carrying them up the stairs when I got home. Nate, our trainer, began our 1st session to see where we were at. I don't know a curl (cheese curls) from a crunch (Nestles). Multiple times Nate has had to spot me from tipping over onto my behind, correct my stance and reposition the weights so I can breathe.
He is a wonderful, patient young man who probably can't wait for me to leave! After completing 3 sessions I am unable to climb stairs, sit down, or lift a fork comfortably to my mouth. I am beginning to think that my husband has increased my Life Insurance policy because I am convinced Nate is trying to kill me. I have yet to see the purpose of this program as I complain constantly, but I am determined to conquer at least the 8 lb weights. Nate did mention that he knew he was in trouble when I arrived in my pink sneakers, pink tee shirt and bracelets. Eventually I may show up dressed in black with matching weight lifting gloves and The Rocky theme blaring in the background.The most difficult thing is that we keep a journal of what we eat. Even if you are craving potato chips you don't dare eat them because Nate is watching. I am suddenly dreaming about Crispy Creame Donuts, McDonalds, and hot fudge sundaes. A simple lesson from all of this is don't wait until you're 50 to begin an exercise program, and remember to always struggle with the 3 lb weights because if Nate thinks it's too easy he'll quickly bump you up to 8 lbs!

4 Years Ago Today

Recipe: "I'm Out the Window!!!"

Ingredients:
12 to 14 Beers.
20 McDonald's McNuggets.
Super Sized Fries.
Super Sized Diet Coke.

Put on your dancing shoes.

If you are looking to rock and be rocked check out the following:

Little Joy and lots of sun. For those of you that live in the Boston area, these guys will be blowing the roof off of TT the Bears on Nov. 16th. Led by the drummer from The Strokes and joined by a couple other hipster doofuses, Little Joy provides some infectious, playful, summer pop. Perfect way to warm up a cold autumn evening.

Foals had me rocking so hard on the bus this morning a few (or ten) of my fellow commuters voiced their complaints. Once the news of my antics reached the front, I was duly deposited on the side of the Mass Pike by the not-so-amused bus driver. Apparently dancing on a crowded bus is not appropriate for the morning commute. People need to lighten the fuck up.

In an effort to "rock the vote", Wilco, in conjunction with Fleet Foxes, is offering a free download (a Dylan cover). All you have to do is promise to vote. If you don't vote. They will know, and they will not be happy.

Big ups to my cutie Kate for letting the cat out of the bag on Foals.

For Your Consideration

I thought I would take a precious second out of my day to clear up some common misconceptions as well as provide some well needed insight into some of the most pressing issues we are faced with today.  These are things that have been weighing on my mind and I hope by reading them you will feel enlightened and educated.  

The difference between:

Sweater - 1  a knitted jacket or jersey, in pullover or cardigan style, with or without sleeves

                  2 a person or thing that sweats

Sweatshirt- 1 a loose, long-sleeved collarless pullover of soft absorbent fabric, as cotton jersey, with close fitting or elastic cuffs and sometimes a drawstring at the waist, commonly worn during athletic activity for warmth or to induce sweating

                        Origin - 1920-25, SWEAT +SHIRT

courtesy of dictionary.com

Furthermore:

The guy from Reading Rainbow is not blind.  Even though he played a blind guy on Star Trek.  Now you no longer have to lie awake at night, troubled by the cruel fact that they made a blind guy do a show on reading. 

The pajamas with feet attached to the bottom (aka footsies) are actually illegal in most European countries.  They are viewed to be inhumane and cruel.

Cab drivers prefer to be addressed as "cabbie", whether driving their cab or not.  If they are from a foreign country and have an accent, they prefer to be addressed in that accent.

There are three reactions you will get when you beep at a random person while driving your car down a busy city street.  Confusion, happiness, or rage.  Who gets angry at a wave?

Clay Aiken is not actually gay.

Wearing cotton stretchy gloves is not OK unless you are ten years old or younger.  And are a girl.

Kim Jong-il shoots three to four hole-in-ones per a round of golf.  Fact.  Wikipedia never lies.

Putting your computer on standby instead of turning it off does not actually save energy.  In fact it wastes more energy. Its kind of like putting your car in neutral instead of turning it off.

courtesy of Al Gore

Taco Bell is authentic Mexican food.  Just ask the people working there.

If you live in a house and pay rent, yet your house is colder than the air outside and you have plastic bags over your windows and a piece of plywood over the window of your front door (all three criterion must be met), you are actually considered, by the State of Massachusetts, a bona fide homeless person.  Even though you live in a home. Go figure.

The Higgins Hamburger

Ingredients:
1 baby cow
1 tomato, sliced
1 piece of lettuce
2 pieces of bread (or toast if you live near a bakery)


The Higgins Hamburger uses only the finest U.S. commercial beef from only the cutest little baby cows. Quite the opposite of Kobe-Style beef, the little animals spend their lives in tiny metal crates to ensure their flesh is at maximum tenderness when it hits the skillet.

Preparation: Butcher 1 baby cow. Cut 1 chunk of meat out of its leg, about the size of a deck of cards, and throw out the rest. Butter a skillet, throw in leg meat, cook until slightly burnt on the outside and warm on the inside. If you have a meat thermometer and can jab it inside with only minimal force, it's done. Put the patty (which is what the meat is called once cooked) in between the bread. Make a salad with the tomato and lettuce. Perfect when complimented with Vegan Stuffed Peppers, recipe below. Enjoy.

Vegan Stuffed Peppers

Vegan Stuffed Peppers

Ingredients: 

6 Green Peppers

Garlic Clove

White Rice

1 Vidalia Onion

2 Tomatoes 

1 Can Tomato Sauce (8oz.)

1 Pack of Smart Ground***

1 Celery Stock (optional)

Worcestershire Sauce

Preparation: 

1) Remove the tops of your peppers. In a large pot bring peppers to a boil and then set aside. 

2) Mince approximately 1/4 clove of garlic.  Dice one medium sized vidalia onion, two medium sized tomatoes, one stock of celery along with the tops of the green peppers.  Add ingredients together mixing in one 8oz. can of tomato. Set aside.

3) Begin preparing two cups of rice by bringing 4 cups of water to a boil (adding salt and or Earth Balance butter is optional). Once your water begins to boil, add rice and reduce heat and cover. Stir occasionally until the rice is tender and the water has been absorbed. 

4) Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

5) While your rice cooks add olive oil and/or earth balance butter to a medium sized sauce pan. Saute your onion, garlic, tomato, green pepper, celery and tomato sauce until vegetables are tender. 

6) In a large mixing bowl add Worcestershire sauce to you smart ground. 

7) Once your rice is cooked and vegetables tender add both to your smart ground. Mix well. Begin to fill your peppers with the vegetable/rice filling. 

8) Bake for 25-30 minutes at 350 degrees. 

9) Remove and Enjoy

Serves 3-4

Notes from the chef: 

Always use discretion while cooking. Taste is subjective and to each his own. Use this recipe as a tool to prepare the dish as you see best. Most importantly take pride in your results and be sure to share. Enjoy!

*** http://lightlife.com/product_detail.jsp?p=smartgroundoriginal

From the Kitchen Of: 

Chris & Ruthie

Blakee in the Hut Episode 1

There was once a coach not to be named (Coach Erik Blakee III, I mean the IV) who ruled by the stomp of his boot. His intellect was unmatched only by his nickname "Quadzillia" (or because of his massive quads and or cock... wait. what?) Anyways, high political power rained supreme atop the throne of Mont. Washington. Living amongst the impetuous centaur was two men (impossible to describe how great they are in one, two, three or even seven words... but maybe ten. That depends if hermaphrodite is one or two words) Captain Ry and Maestro Kyle (not to be confused with Mistro) All three incredibly stunning creatures of the round table lived in a huge Hut not by any means small, extremely elegant with a lot of leather bound books and expensive wines...yea you get the point.. really expressive wines... millions.

This caused a massive flock of men and woman, mostly woman to the Hut. A samurai sanctuary for the underprivileged decedents of Dinoysus (for you incompetent readers the God of Wine and Ecstasy.. yes the drug) This sanctuary was the Mecca of all Meccas... especially for Olympic Power Lifting.

One Sensei quickly came into power in the confines of the Hut. Nicholas the XXI a.k.a The Jack of All Trades/ Olympic Power-lifter(under the household name Dr. Squat)/Family Man who set a balance of political ambition in the strides of the Hut. Who undermined the capability of Blakees overzealous power trips.

To Be Continued....

This is brought to you by the witty minds of two extremely talented and qualified college students bound for excellence/weathlyness... did I mention hot babes.

Kyle Langlais

Ry Sanderson

Word up homie.

Video to get you amped for the weekend Binge.. yes watch the whole thing.

Photo that will get you naked/wet:

The Can Man

I crept out of my room one warm Sunday morning while rubbing my head. My cheap beer headache guided me to the fridge where there was cold water and food. My roommate joined me in the kitchen, and we started giggling (which is custom for the morning after we throw a party). We exchanged stories from the night before about the things that were said, the strangers that enjoyed the comfort of our living room, and the trash talking that went on during pong. It was the first weekend I was back in Boston after a long summer away from my favorite people, and we celebrated our reuniting the way college kids know how to.

However, the fun part was over, and self-induced headaches and empty beer cans were widespread throughout the apartment. We began the inevitable clean-up and filled two trash bags with our aluminum friends. The laughing continued all the way to the back of our building where the dumpsters were overflowing with pizza boxes. A man with graying hair and soiled clothes was going through the recycling bin filling bags with other people’s bottles and cans. My roommate stood frozen as she surveyed the scene while I approached the recycling bin intending to do my part as a good citizen. As I was about to dump the cans, the man said to me, “You can just put them in this bag, they are all going to go in here anyway.” He opened his bag to me and I helped him make the exchange from my bag to his. Now empty handed, my roommate and I left our can man in silence. I couldn’t help but realize that my drunken night was going to become his income. The thought then flooded my mind with questions. Where did his life go wrong so that his job title is now “can collector”? Did his mother used to tell him that if he put his mind to it, he could do anything? I wonder if the amount he resents college kids with dispensable incomes equaled the amount of guilt I felt as I left him with his newly-acquired means for nickels and pennies.

I run into him every now and then while he’s hard at work. It compels me to send a quick text to my parents thanking them for everything they have given me. However, when I tell my kids in the future that they can do anything they set their minds to, I hope they choose a more lucrative profession.

Bienvenue

Due to the overwhelming demand for my eloquent and insightful writing, I have decided to create a blog aptly titled "All But Nine". For those of you that are not familiar with this widely used phrase, it essentially means "You missed the point". Ironic, because here at "All But Nine", there is no real point or topic or direction. My basic idea for this blog is to create a communal writing experience. I want all of you to dust off the cobb webs and contribute to this blog if you feel so inclined. Consider this your virtual soap box on which you can wax (or wane) philosophical on whatever it is that turns you on.

Hopefully you will find some amusement in the posts that will soon grace this blog. If you'd like to write for "All But Nine"; shoot me an email, a sample of your writing, your resume, a valid photo ID, a fifty dollar check and I'll see what I can do.

Seriously though, please join in. Write something. Read the posts. Give us some feedback. And if none of these options make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside; in the words of my badass and ever so brash grandfather, "Put an egg in your shoe and beat it".