The No Thank You Note

After receiving a wonderful cable knit sweater (turtleneck) for my past birthday, I sent the following to my ninety year old aunt living in upstate NY:



Dear Aunt Linda,

I am writing this note to express my discontent with the social norm that is the "Thank You" note. Please do not be confused. This is by no means a "Thank You" note even though the Hallmark provided words written across the front might suggest so. In fact this is a "No Thank You" note. If your gift requires a reciprocal act, a handwritten letter, to express my thanks (which I believe I communicated quite eloquently and articulately at my birthday party less than one month ago with a direct and heartfelt "Thank You") than I would like to duly return the aforementioned gift.

This might seem a bit harsh and forward of me, however, I am a man of my principles and cannot justify forsaking my beliefs to conform to such a society and the expectations of said society. In fact, if we are being completely honest with each other, which I feel we are right now (well at least I know I am), it was your sister (my mother) which suggested writing you a "Thank You" note in the first place. If she were not standing in front of me right now watching my every move, I would not even be writing you a "No Thank You" note, nor would you be apprised of my revolutionary views on social norms/etiquettes and would in fact receive no note (Thank You or No Thank You) whatsoever.

I do not believe that gratitude must be expressed via written word when we are both fully capable, vocal, human beings. If you are unable to remember and retain my verbal "Thank You", that is your own problem. The weight should not be on my shoulders to provide you with a written testament of my appreciation.

Please do not mention the content of this note to my mother. You and I are both grownups and do not need her to be the mediator of this situation. Ultimately, I do not want to incur her wrath (she inserts herself into my life enough as it is and is hell bent on the fact that because I am forty, single, and living at home, I will never provide her with the grand kids she so longs for) and quite honestly, if you do take issue with my philosophy you can contact me directly. Please call my cell phone (565-4311) and not the house phone. I do not want to run the chance of my parents answering your call (if you do in fact call).

I must get going before my mother becomes suspicious of the length and content of this note and requests to read it. I cannot risk another subversive maneuver on her part to quell my writings and revolutionary spirit. My voice will be heard, beginning with you.

Your nephew,

Jack